America Under Siege: The Gay Terrorist Threat

Last year Rick Santorum implored Congress to pass a Constitutional amendment prohibiting gay marriage on the grounds that only a fully heterosexualized country will be fully equipped to defend itself from terrorists. "Isn’t that the ultimate homeland security, standing up and defending marriage?" he stated at the time. Now a shocking new CIA report reveals the rationale behind his words: cells of gay terrorists, poised to strike at the heart of straight America. It has long been suspected that Osama bin Laden, who spends an inordinate amount of time hanging around with other men in the desert and has always come across as kind of effeminate on video, is a closeted homosexual. Yet what the CIA report reveals for the first time is the existence of a virtual army of gay terrorists waiting at bin Laden's command. Nor were these killers foreigners recruited and trained elsewhere. Rather, many of them are American citizens - young men who became disillusioned with straight society and then were radicalized at gay nightclubs and gyms in San Francisco and other hotbeds of radical homosexuality. The gay terrorist menace is an urgent threat to the safety and security of the straight country we all know and love. No straight American, in these perilous times, can afford to ignore the gay neighbor who is quite likely a suicide bomber and at the very least drives a Prius and always smells like patchouli. With your help and under the manful guidance of Overlord Bush we can defeat these suspiciously happy-clappy assasins and take back this country for straight folk everywhere.