Terrorist Ferrets Plotting Major Attacks

In a lengthy press conference yesterday President Bush vowed to take decisive action against terrorist ferrets who are allegedly plotting major attacks against the nation's living room carpet. "We will not rest," the President declared emphatically, "until these evil-doers are brought to justice. These little rascals could be hiding anywhere -- under the sofa, in the hamper, even in our kitchen cabinets, if Condi left them open. But know this: they are on the run." Terrorist ferrets are a growing problem, say intelligence experts. "The fact is that five years after 9/11, we are safer but not yet safe," said Senator John Kerry of Massachusetts. "Potted plants are still vulnerable. Shoes, keys, and other draggable items are left out in the open. Half-full water glasses are simply left sitting on ledges. These types of targets are what the terrorist ferrets are looking for. Only last week an attempted attack against the nation's laundry detergent was thwarted. What else do these little guys have planned?" Some civil libertarians have raised questions about whether defenses against ferrets suspected of planning terrorist acts have gone too far. "The fact is we have seen an alarming array of abuses against ferrets, some of whom have done nothing more than sniff around in the kitchen," said the director of the ACLU. "Curtailed playtime, treats being withheld, even scruffing of necks has all taken place under this administration. Many of these ferrets sit around in cages all day long. Is this really the America we want to live in?" Many Democrats agreed. "The fact is if we are forced to abandon the ideals which made our nation great, the terrorist ferrets will have already won," said Kerry. "And I'll never find my car keys."