Memories of the 2004 Presidential Campaign

I don't know whether John Kerry appreciated the war room which I ran for him last summer out of my laptop, but run one I did. Sometimes I still find myself rehearsing the speeches I wish he would have given, just like the way that I re-imagine all of the new Star Wars movies after I see them. I also sometimes imagine what Bush would sound like if he said what he really believed. This was one of my favorite examples from that genre.

George W. Bush's 2004 Acceptance Speech at the RNC:

Mr. Chairman, delegates, fellow citizens: I am honored by your support, and I accept your nomination for President of the United States.

What an extraordinary time these past four years have been. We passed the No Child Left Behind Act, and America’s schools are now the best-funded and best-performing schools in the world. Test scores and graduation rates have risen dramatically. American children are getting the education they deserve. My opponent, on the other hand, opposed the No Child Left Behind Act, because he said that some children should be left behind.

We passed tax relief which brought income to those Americans who needed it the most: the working poor. Because of this, poverty rates are falling across the country. My opponent, on the other hand, opposed this tax relief because he said that poor people deserve to stay poor, and are too dumb to manage their own money. Well, you and I know better than that.

Although we inherited a massive recession and budget deficit from my predecessor Bill Clinton, we have managed to transform these unfavorable conditions into an engine for economic growth and job opportunity, all while reducing the deficit. My opponent, on the other hand, favors increasing the deficit because he says that we can always borrow more later to keep up.

And of course, who could forget that terrible day of September 11th, 2001. When I heard the news that terrorists had attacked the country, I immediately flew to New York City. Although I was too late to stop the planes from crashing, I ran into the World Trade Center while it was burning and rescued as many as I could before the towers collapsed. Leaving those towers was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. On September 11th, my opponent was sipping wine and eating cheese with a little fork at his villa in France. When he heard the news about the attacks, he laughed and said that the vulgar Americans got what they deserved.

Then we invaded Afghanistan. Within days, we had caught the terrorist mastermind, Osama bin Laden, ousted the Taliban, and established a new democracy. Bin Laden, now awaiting trial in the Hague, led us to the rest of al-Qaeda, and that network has been effectively shut down. In the meantime, my opponent appeared in a video smoking a cigar with Osama bin Laden and denouncing the United States. He and his running mate are now serving as bin Laden’s defense team for his upcoming trial.

But we didn’t stop there. We decided to invade Iraq as well because Saddam Hussein was a desperate tyrant who was threatening the United States with nuclear weapons. We tried to solve the conflict peacefully but Saddam wouldn’t let the weapons inspectors into his country, and he cut off some of their heads. After toppling his regime, we found massive stockpiles of weapons, including a giant laser which Saddam had been planning to launch to the moon. My opponent, siding with the French, said the laser was for peaceful purposes and that only love could save Saddam.

You may have heard about what my opponent and I did during the Vietnam war 35 years ago. When I heard about the war, I rushed to enlist myself in the National Guard because I wanted to be on the first lines of defense in case of a sneak attack on this country. When the communists attacked from the Mexican border, I led the victorious effort to save the city of Houston. My opponent, on the other hand, fought on the side of the Viet Cong, then bragged about it afterwards. When he came home, he traveled around in a stinky old bus with Jane Fonda, denouncing Americans as fat capitalist pigs who deserved nuclear annihilation by the Soviets. He even cheered for the Russians in the 1972 Olympics when they cheated their way to the gold medal.

Finally, if I am re-elected, I will ensure that traditional values remain at the forefront of our political system. My opponent, on the other hand, has said that he supports gay marriage because he wants to be the first President to marry his own running mate. He has promised that he and John Edwards will marry in the Oval Office at the first available opportunity, and that he will wear the bridal gown.

My fellow Americans, the choice in this election is clear. Will you choose the genuine American hero, the man who has led you with courage and conviction throughout this difficult time towards a more promising future, or the enemy of this country, avowed homosexual and atheist, connoisseur of French wine, and friend of terrorists? I ask for your support, and may God continue to bless America.