I Heart Boston with the Heart Crossed Out

I live in Boston, yet paradoxically I hate Boston. This naturally might prompt two questions: Why do I hate it? And why I do still live here? In answer to the second question, you don't always leave the place you hate, even if you should. In answer to the first question, I submit the following juvenile screed:

You Might Be From Boston If...

Your ancestors were driven from their homes for good reason.
Your great-great-grandfather was a Calvinist, your great-grandfather was a Roman Catholic, your grandfather was Jewish, your father was Methodist and you’re an asshole.
You thought Robin Williams’ dad was the good guy in Good Will Hunting.
You once waited 86 years for your team to win the World Series only to get killed in the ensuing riot.
Your accent sends chills down the collective spine of the English-speaking world.
You still think that taking 20 years to build a 15 billion dollar tunnel underneath a major metropolitan area was a pretty damn good idea.
You once saw Whitey Bulger at Finagle a Bagel and asked him how your uncle, his cousin’s brother, was doing.
You claim blue blood status as the direct descendant of one of Ted Kennedy’s secretaries.
You still remember where you were the day that Larry Bird had bone spur surgery.
You regret trying to spear that black guy with the flagpole back in ’78.
You don’t believe drunk driving is against the law as long as you’re from Southie.
You can walk two miles to work without ever being out of sight of a Dunkin’ Donuts.
You would root for all the demons of hell if they were playing the Yankees.
You once visited the South Side of Chicago and were surprised at how warm and friendly everyone seemed.
You might consider being gay just one time for Tom Brady, like if all the women in the world got killed or something.
You consider yourself educated because you once passed out in Harvard Yard.
You once clothes-lined an old, deaf, retarded grandma while trying to board the T.
You consider Filenes Basement one of the finest department stores in the country.
Your idea of fiscal responsibility is to cut down on your kick-backs this year.
You had your brain frozen so you could be resurrected in a thousand years along with Ted Williams.